Mental Health Series ‘The Square Peg In The Round Hole’

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‘The square peg in the round hole’ August 2019

This is a drawing about one of my most deep seated anxieties, the feeling of not ‘fitting in’ the feeling of always being the outsider, the feeling that you have gate crashed the party and that if you were not there you would not be missed. If you went off the radar no one would notice that you were gone, nor would they realise or worry about it. This has been a trouble of mine for as long as I can remember. I can’t remember many times where I felt truly a part of what was going on or truly feeling included in who I was with. I have many memories as a child at school of wondering around on my own and feeling as though I were being tolerated rather than actually wanted. This of course was not always the case as I did have some friends at school, but as a general this was how I felt. Even with some of those friends I felt like an imposter. It is something that has followed on into adulthood. The feeling that perhaps people do not always warm to me, maybe I appear too stand offish because I do not always say a lot, maybe I am sometimes too enthusiastically friendly on first meeting a person and smile too much and it freaks people out. Hard to say when you cannot see yourself from the outside. It’s only because I don’t want them to feel excluded or like no one is bothered if they are there or not like I have felt in the past. Its a crushing feeling. I have more recently wondered if it is my insecurity that is the problem and I am the cause of peoples behaviour towards me because my insecurities show and intimidate them. I have always been very quiet by nature and have struggled to make friendships that are superficial or otherwise. I have found that when the rare chance presents itself to form a deep bond after getting to know and finding common ground with a person on a one to one basis that they can actually know the real me and the misconception can be got rid of. That is something that I find is quite a rarity to come across. Over the years like many, I have put my trust into the wrong people and opened up only to have this used against me for reasons unknown to me. After all, a lot of people don’t have the guts to be honest with you right? These things have caused me to continually build a wall around myself, to isolate myself in order to protect myself against the spitefulness of others and the anxieties that torment me about how I see myself in the world, only in the process to have the opposite affect and slip away to the point where people don’t check in with you any more. It’s a blissful yet lonely place to find yourself. You prefer to be alone yet you are also scared of being forgotten about and no one caring. I am probably the cause of my own feeling of not fitting in. But then what if I am not?

The square peg in the round hole is the person who does not wish to fit in, but does not fit in whether they want to or not, they are who they are and can be nothing else as they will not be untrue to themselves. Yet at the same time insecure that they are not enough for and acceptable to the world either. The eyes like to watch as you diminish further into yourself while they delight in your misery and make judgements about who they think your are, be it truthful or not. That person is chained to their cycle of anxiety, overthinking and exacerbating beyond reason. That is the ridiculous delusion of being the square peg in the round hole.

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